Motherhood in Modern America
Modern Moms Do It All
Modern moms do it all. We grapple with skyrocketing societal expectations to ‘have it all’ - continue working, forge a career, scale that corporate ladder, raise impeccably behaved children who somehow never cry - while actually looking after our kids, making ends meet and keeping a grasp of our own sanity. Basically, we put up with a lot of shit.
It’s really no wonder 85% of millennial moms feel that society doesn’t support mothers. Because, guess what? Society worships a falsely aspirational picture of the modern mother that frankly doesn’t even exist. But all that got me thinking about what it means to be a mom in the modern day. Specifically, about what the state of motherhood is in the US right now.
It takes a village?
As the saying goes, raising children ‘takes a village’. But I’m often left wondering what village? A lot of us moms don’t have a support system to speak of: we no longer live in small villages with a strong community, don’t necessarily live near our parents, and paying for support isn’t always an option. Plus, ‘society’ definitely does not have our backs since most mothers don’t get any government or professional support. It’s shocking, yet quite unsurprising, that the US is the only industrialized nation in the world that doesn’t offer paid parental leave.
It seems to me that while we moms might relate to the whole ‘village’ concept, it doesn’t really land in the modern world. Unfortunately, the proverbial ‘village’ is mostly ‘dissipated and fragmented…and individuals are increasingly isolated’. A number of factors are to blame. Namely: ‘family breakdown, economic pressures, long working hours and increased mobility.’
But in addition to this, research has found that it’s also about how we approach parenting in the West. We see it as a ‘private concern’ which means that when nuclear families experience difficulties or problems, they turn directly to professionals rather than their own social network - skipping over what might remain of their ‘village’. But in many non-Western societies, children’s upbringing is still seen as a societal and shared process.
What does it mean to be a mother in modern America?
There are parts of motherhood that are undeniably beautiful, messy but magnificent, and (depending on the day) wonderful. But if we take a step back and look at the broader - society-level - picture, modern motherhood is pretty dire. Here’s why:
No guaranteed paid maternity leave
The US is the only developed country that doesn’t guarantee paid maternity leave.
We are one of the wealthiest nations in the world but our government fails to guarantee new parents some form of paid family leave on a national level. Under the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA), certain employers are required to provide eligible workers with up to 12 weeks of unpaid family leave.
As it stands, only 11 states and the District of Columbia currently mandate paid family leave.
Research has shown that paid parental leave actively increases women’s participation in the workforce and reduces gender pay gaps. It’s also an essential means of giving new parents the time, space and means to recover emotionally and physically after their child is born.
Biden campaigned on paid parental leave, rightfully asking ‘how can we compete in a global economy if millions of American parents, especially moms, can’t join the workforce?’ But due, ahem, to certain ‘rea$ons’ his administration has faced substantial opposition in congress.
Most recently, the Biden-Harris administration announced new actions to ‘support and advance women’s economic security’ - but - IMHMO - these don’t go nearly far enough. Their overarching aim in these actions is to ‘improve access to leave [without pay]’, whilst continuing to support paid leave efforts in states.
Childcare is expensive
Childcare is fucking expensive. Other countries around the world not only guarantee kids a spot in a daycare, but they also subsidize the cost. In the States, the financial burden lies completely with parents and that’s if they can even bag a spot for their kid. We spend 0.2% of our GDP on child care for children 2 and under. That’s the lowest percentage in the developed world. No surprise that 33% of American mothers say that childcare is a source of constant financial strain.
An article by the American Progress organization argues that ‘the child care market is broken’. Because despite the absolutely fundamental role of child care in the economy, public funding to facilitate access is ‘woefully inadequate’.
The biggest pot of public funding for child care is the Child Care and Development Fund (CCDF) under the Child Care Development Block Grant Act. This program aims to support low-income families with child-care by paying subsidies directly to eligible child care service providers. Unfortunately, the CCDF does not go far enough or capture nearly enough people.
Due to lack of sufficient funding, the CCDF only reaches 1 in 7 eligible children. Additionally, the eligibility requirements seem to exclude families who desperately need help with child care costs. Moreover, as the American Progress Organisation highlights, the value of the subsidy often does not cover the actual cost of delivering proper child-care.
Research has found that, on average, child-care costs $1,300 per month. This amounts to $16,000 per year - a whopping 21% of the US median income for a family of three.
Parenthood is (often) an unbalanced burden
Though we’ve come a long way in terms of gender equity, we’re still dealing with an inordinate amount of imbalance. Women are still doing the majority of housework. In fact, pre-pandemic, 80% of mothers were primarily responsible for household chores and 66% were chiefly responsible for childcare among partnered parents. And that’s not all, 50% of breadwinning moms still manage the majority of their household workload.
Building a modern ‘village’
So we’re in a pretty shitty situation. The good thing is there are things we can do to change it, to create a ‘modern village’.
Using our voices
For those of us with the bandwidth and energy, using our voices (and platforming others’) to lobby key representatives for better legislation can make all the difference. And you don’t have to go it alone. There are badass groups and collectives like the Chamber of Mothers and Moms F1rst who are fighting for moms’ rights across America.
And wow, Moms coming together in the name of mothers across the country is pretty damn powerful.
Leaning on each other
Though we might not have a ‘village’ in a literal sense, leaning on whatever community you have is so meaningful. And you don’t have to start from scratch - there are so many networks and groups out there already:
Try joining a local facebook group to connect with other moms online.
Ask your local pediatrician or hospital if there are any mom groups in your area.
Join an online community like the group coaching that I offer, WholeSelf, The Mom Project or Revolution from Home for powerful interactions with likeminded people.
Being a mom
And finally, boss being a mom - whatever that means to you. Start by building out a village in the best way you know how.
Get yourself (and feel empowered doing it) the help and support you need. This could come in loads of different forms. It might be someone to share your childcare duties such as a birth doula, a day and/or night doula, a mommy helper, hiring a partner like List Liaison, or a babysitter. Seeking out similar-minded friends like fellow moms and allies in your workplace will organically grow your circle and community.
Working with a therapist or ICF-certified coach (like me!) can be the key to becoming the person you want to be. And something as simple as hiring a house cleaner can do wonders for freeing up your time, so you can get back to the things that bring you joy, like your M.I.P (Most Important Thing).
So let’s get to it. Showing up and doing our thing together is the best way to break down these archaic visions of what a mom should be. Building out a ‘village’ that’s weird, wonderful, and completely ours is the best way to prove that modern mothers are strong and fierce despite all the bullshit society throws our way.
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Hi, I’m Coral.
After having two children and returning to work, I felt completely lost and directionless — my identity had shattered, and I didn't know who I was anymore. Over the years, I picked up the pieces and created a new vision for my life, identity, and purpose.
Now I'm on a mission to help moms and primary caregivers navigate their own journeys, for a more fulfilling and authentic path forward. In addition to supporting individuals, I help organizations implement practices that offer deeply needed support to moms and primary caregivers — because we can’t make these changes alone.
Interested in working together? See how I work with both individuals and organizations for sustainable growth. Schedule a free consultation.
